Twigs and Kombucha
Think about what you had to eat today. Then subtract everything you ate that had gluten, soy, dairy, corn, nuts, seeds, grains, nighshades, beans, legumes and eggs. What are you left with? Meat, vegetables and fruit.
Sigh. The title of this post, Twigs and Kombucha, pretty much sums up what I’ve felt like I’ve been eating for the past few months. After my October diagnosis with Hashimoto’s, I’ve been playing only one numbers game, and the goal is to get my TPO antibody numbers down.
Most doctors agree that they key to Hashi’s is managing your autoimmune response through diet. Lucky me. BRB, going to buy lottery tickets.
First, my doctor came for gluten. Why gluten? In a nutshell, the gliadin protein in gluten closely resembles the proteins that make up thyroid tissue. When Hashi’s patients ingest gluten, the body thinks it has more proteins to attack, so your body goes on the defensive and your antibodies go up. So I gave up gluten (and giving it up for Hashi’s means 100% adherence) and my numbers dropped, but not nearly enough for Doc’s liking.
So then my doctor came for everything else delicious, including wine. This meant the next step was the AIP diet or Autoimmune Protocol (for those of you who still get to eat fried Twinkies and drink beer). The goal of the AIP diet is to eliminate foods that are inflammatory and damaging to the gut so the body’s immune system has time to rest and heal. Basically, it’s taking the Paleo diet and making it even more strict. On the list of approved foods are meat (muscle and organ-good thing I like pate!), non-nightshade vegetables, 2 servings (max) fruit a day and fermented foods like sauerkraut, kimchi and kombucha. To reiterate, you can’t have ANY of the following until it’s time for you to reintroduce foods, one at a time, to see if you can tolerate them: gluten, soy, dairy, corn, nuts, seeds, grains, nightshades, beans, legumes and eggs. Nightshades are white potatoes, tomatoes and all peppers, FYI. So salsa, BLT’s and tater tots are out as well.
Being on such a strict diet has resulted in the following:
I never knew how much I loved wine until I couldn’t have it. Wait, that’s a lie. I am fully aware of how much I love wine. After almost two months, my numbers dropped enough so that my doctor let me choose one thing to reintroduce. I chose wine. (DUH!) She said once a week and in moderation. We have different understandings of the concept.
No one gets as excited as I do when my favorite brand of kombucha is on sale. I thought I was going to wet my pants in Safeway the other day when they were 2 for $5. When it comes to brewing my own, I am trying to muster up enough bravery to overcome my fears of exploding glass and dying in my own kitchen as a result of tea poisoning. Wouldn’t that be a classic headline; “Native Southerner Poisons Self with Tea.” Plus you have to deal with the scoby, which looks like slime. I’m a little scared of the scoby.
The dog has developed a taste for certain veggies, and her counter-surfing is in championship competition shape. To wit: she’s insane over spaghetti squash. I had one split and cooling on the counter and made the mistake of going to the bathroom. I hear a thud and exit the loo to discover Lou Lou going to town on a spaghetti squash. You don’t even want to know what her farts smelled like that night.
I cook ALL THE DAMN TIME. All. The. Damn. Time. There is nothing that comes out of a box or package that is AIP compliant, so I live in my own Groundhog Day of going to several markets and bonding with my kitchen.
Plus, I have conversations like this:
Me: I want Aunt Henrietta’s homemade pimento cheese on white bread with some plain Lay’s potato chips.
John: YOU KNOW YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THOSE THINGS!!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING???!!!
Me: I’m thinking I’m fucking hungry.
Or
Me: I can’t have gluten, so I’ll have the grilled fish, plain, no seasoning or butter and the steamed veggies, no seasoning and no butter and no rice.
Waiter: So do you want your rice on the side?
Me: I can’t eat rice, any grains or gluten.
Waiter: So do you want mac and cheese instead?
Me: Um, no thank you. I think I’ll be so totally full from the fish and vegetables. Just no room. Thanks honey. (smizes, throws shade)
Or
Me: So what did my LRA/ELISA test say?
Dr.: Well, you can’t have… (starts reading list)…chicken eggs, broccoli or tapioca either.
Me: (whining) You can’t take away a vegetable! What am I going to eat?!!!
Dr.: Asparagus, anything else green. And you can reintroduce duck eggs and see if you have a reaction. Alright, how much wine did you have last week?
Me: Two glasses, I swear.
What’s the silver lining to this culinary cloud? It turns out you really are what you eat. My TPO numbers are going down, and I’ve never felt better. So maybe my doc does know what she’s doing. Let’s just hope that maybe, just maybe some pimento cheese is in my future.